I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
He disabled his match.com account in front of me
I would fuck her until my dick fell off. then i would fuck her with your dick.
Quick, to the slutcave!
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
what kind of roommate is she really? she wouldn't even hold my hair back.
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
We broke into her grandpa's pool at 2 am and I held my underwear out the window on the way home.
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
