the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
Still drunk and leading the team through the 9am sales meeting. I'm pretty sure this is why there aren't more 26year-olds in management.
I think I just made patron unclassy I bought limes at a gas station and for salt we are using gas station packets of salt
well isn't that the pot calling the kettle a make out whore
he's doing fine. just headbutted the wall and threw up
Monday morning margarita madness at ny house. Yes before wheel of fortune. Yes day drinking.
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
I was a psycho gf all the time...I'm sorry
I was drunk 90% of the time...tit for tat
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