peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
i am watching brooke knows best right now and hulk is totally dating his daughter's look a like. it is gross and disturbing.
the most pressuring question is, why are you watching brooke knows best?.
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
I'd say this is worse than that time when I realized that my favorite bath toy growing up was my Mom's douche bottle.
he found my favorite bra, 3 thongs and a pair of jeans and gave them back. i love move out day.
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
I'll call you tomorrow. I'm ok and back i love you goodnight.
I stole a bike. Here's a pic
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
Randomize
