I dumped him because he's never seen star wars. I'm certain I did the right thing.
i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
honestly i just want a cigarette and someone to go down on me... are you interested in helping with either of those
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
He uses Bing as his search engine...but he's great in bed. So obviously I'm torn.
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
Randomize
