you should wait a day or two to break up with your girlfriend
why?
so we can have sex in the meantime. It adds a little excitement.
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
Yeah she is in it for the money, wait til she finds out i am broke and the sex doesnt get better
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
Um I think everyone drunk and there's some douche on violin.
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
Randomize
