The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
i decided what we are doing for your 21st b-day: camelbacks filled with margaritas
Freshman ate returning to campus. Let Operation Slut Storm commence.
Keep your head up. His game is good, and you should be honoured to be a notch on his wall. If it makes you feel better, if it wasn't you, it was going to be me.
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
I hoped the great care he put into rolling a blunt would translate to my vagina.
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
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