That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
Princeton has an emergency contraception worldwide website. It is in moments like these that I love my university
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
Also I walked home in over mitts \nLet's take a minute to really laugh about that
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
Randomize
