Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
yup. cregs moms pubic hair is still glued to the celing
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
whatever happens this semester dont let me be that girl yacking in the urinal. again.
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
Randomize
