your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
other than her wanting kids and me wanting to do drugs,were perfect for each other
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
as we waited for a manager to come open the door that we broke while having sex on the wall, we decided to go round two in the hallway before he came back.. god i love hotels.
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
Did I change midway through last night?
Seven times. The most notable outfits were UFC Fighter and Top Hat Viking
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
Noo.... Like in the attic of a crack house with nitrous and fat chicks weird....
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
Randomize
