You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
I whispered "you're doing a great Job" when he was fucking me. Then high fived him.
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
She was lying on the table chugging back something when the table broke
She kept going
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
We decided to try to steal hot dogs but it ended up with me punching him in the face and crying. Pretty solid night
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
If I could drink as much and have the amount of sex he has at his age, well I'd probably be dead
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
My god imagine how much cum is in that astroturf
Randomize
