so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
He just seriously used the word "skeet." Can we please find another way to get weed?
No. Take one for the team.
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
driving around with you guys listening to the beach boys made me very concious of how white you all are.
We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
leave me alone I'm becoming one with nature and doing plant things
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
may or may not have snorted a line of tums... wtf.
I'm sorry I walked in on you guys, but all I heard from outside was her screaming "Dive, dive!". Sex was my last guess for what was going on in there.
Randomize
