Got some. In a truck. I will just pee you in the morning i guess?
Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
So I'm at planned parenthood and there are 5 people here from Friday's party.
People Are Arguing Over This Guy’s Petty Reaction To Splitting Lunch With His Co-Worker
His threats seemed pretty legit for a 6 year old
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
Girl Logs Into Twitter Only To Find Out Her Dad Is Trending For The Most Outrageous Reason
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
I touched a dick in church today
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
Awesome. I did a rain go away dance. And it went away. Nbd just cotrollin the weather with my mind and sweet dance moves