just tell him i said nine months
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
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I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
The fact that I took a nap during my midterm shows exactly how I handle being an adult
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I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
I caught a glimpse of his penis. I can only imagine what your mom's vagina goes through because of that penis
I spent all the money my grandpa gave me for Christmas last night….solid start to 2015
Yeah i like want to be friends with him. And if we have sex in the physics library well thats fine with me
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.