remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
I was just given a safe word. It's going it be an interesting night.
I'll put it this way. My grandkids felt that fuck.
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
I searched the house and found a small bottle of sherry which is probably as old as I am, has prob gone off and tastes like shit. I don't care any more. It has come to this.
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
Due to this morning's events my new porn name is Reepa Nipplov.
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
Randomize
