You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
IT'S A HOLY FESTIVAL. A BUDDHIST CELEBRATION OF PENIS.
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
If it makes you feel any better... I have a friend who found out her mom was in the video for 2 Live Crew's "Pop That Pussy"
Is this a drinking picnic?
Is there another kind?
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
Randomize
