I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
I don't care how hungover you are were not listening to enya
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
I am an advanced cybernetic robot sent back in time to 2013 to fuck my wife senseless for hours on end. Have you seen this wife?
Eddy, if you don't want to roll play then say so. This is just obnoxious
Don't worry, I'm taking the best gay radar in the World, my sister's boobs. All guy who is not looking at them, it's fair play for us.
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
Dicks are not precious.
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
We just started our own DARE program: Drugs are really enjoyable.
Randomize
