I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
it's been dubbed the summer of antibiotics
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
I'm getting the lip of my vagina pierced & you expect ME to be the voice of reason?
I didn't get a chance to take any pics but the mental snapshot of her boyfriend calling her directly after we finished was a really special moment I wish I could properly share with you.
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
It's snowing in May and there was a law school party at the strip club. The end is near.
Would you go as one half of Harry and Lloyd in Tuxes to Aaron's wedding?
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
Randomize
