She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
Sean slept in the bushes beside my house again. Any reason he kept screaming/slurring 'it was all a bunch of goddamn lies' through out the night?
My legacy here is being that tiny blonde girl that threw someone down and shouted "Fuck your face, I'm Dee Dee Ramone."
Slammed 3 beers and just bowled a 129\nI guess alcohol IS the answer
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
Randomize
