I looked at my own cervix.
At least with the last gf I made it clear that I wanted to breakup when I pissed on her floor @ 3am as her roommate watched in contempt
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
All he did was lie there and used his hands to keep pace. He was like the metronome of sex.
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
I an in a belgian bar and i cant understand shit. Trying to talk to strangers. Getting drunk until we all speak the same language. Brace for updates.
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
I need a hobby that isn't dick related
Randomize
