i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
He was like a foghorn with a huge penis.
I saw him walking to campus with his beer in his hand in the same sweats he wore walking to campus with a beer in his hand yesterday.
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong.
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
So how often do you needs to see my tits today then?
Randomize
