According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
I am fine. Katie thinkr i broke things pole dancing. I am coherant.
yeah, she started doing yoga and cocaine....looks good on her.
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
Considering we almost incited a riot on behalf of LGBT rights I have to say that was the best time for our moral compass to turn south.
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
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