At Coney Island the sign for the rollercoaster The Cyclone says, "Make sure your glasses and weave are secure."
We're pre-gaming then going to chuck e cheese's.
If you're joking I'm going to be sad
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
WHO THE FUCK TAGS THEMSELVES AT COUNTY JAIL?!?!
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
Bring the pizza ill bring the boundaries we can cross
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
Randomize
