homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
The problem with having your drunkeness documented at a wedding is not only does it show up all over facebook, but all over professional photography websites.
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
I'm in Burlington Coat Factory. This place'd be great if you were on E. There're so many textures...
I'm kinda hoping that if I rub the right object, a genie will come out
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
The same guy who pierced my nipples just told me he can help tutor me in precalc.
I whispered "you're doing a great Job" when he was fucking me. Then high fived him.
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
Randomize
