Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
i miss freshman lecture halls much harder to take shots in a class of 20
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
So apparently someone caught him as he was falling. And carried him around the rest of the night.
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
I think I've done enough damage with my vagina as of late, thank you
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
Randomize
