I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
I feel like shaving is just admitting i'm gonna do him, even though im still on the fence
shave. it'll take 10 min. Better safe than hairy.
sitting on my lesbian neighbors couch, sexting, & eating a burrito.. that single
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
No. I'm just saying it shows no signs of stopping. My dad was a man-whore well into his 50s.
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
I appear to have wine on my toes. I am really not clear as to how this happened. I'm gonna have a little lie down.
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
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