I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
my dad just told me he wants a furry wall in the house... i'm proud and concerned
No, I stopped taking my meds because I like crazy me better
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
I was passed out in a dog food bowl tor two hours. Just tapped my dinner beer. I love homecoming.
Had sex with one of the guys from Ireland. Celebrating st pattys early.
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
you can't just say no to brian. he was bugging me to get me to drunk for 14 hours straight yesterday. HE DOESN'T GIVE UP
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
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