put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
Why are all the dvds taped to the fish tank. Really.
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
If he's gonna send me dick pics; he should at least zoom in to make it look bigger.
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
I went home with him again and he LEFT HIS OWN HOUSE at 2 in the morning while I was IN THE BATHROOM.
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
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