What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
you looked like a weeble wobble. everytime we thought you were going to fall you bounced back up...you're an amazing drunk
I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
I just spent $27 on things to pee on.
im walking the streets of bville with a bag of cat food..looking for my car. i dont ever want to turn 21 again.
I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
This is the perfect outfit to do ketamine in, I must say
I slept naked last night on stolen pillows. I felt like a golden goddess.
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
Randomize
