I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
the guy working at the drive-thru just asked me if i wanna bang after he gets off work tonight.
given your current drought situation, im genuinely curious to know what your answer was
i told him maybe and gave him my number. sad? probably. but even if the sex is bad maybe i'll get a free burger out of it
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
smoking a bowl while I'm peeing. i love having a big dick.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
downstairs . braiding the drunk passed out girls hair, she will thank us In the morning
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
i hope youre ready for a shit show because we just ordered a whole pitcher of red headed sluts
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
This is bullshit, I shit my pants for the 1st time in 30 years, stuck on the 405, fuck this shit.
Depends
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
Randomize
