My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
I have glow sticks stuck to my boobs and a missed call from the 911. I'd say last night was a success.
Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
I plan on showing these boobs to so many people that by the end of it ill just have a shirt of beads.
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
You've discovered your super power: Your Vagina
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
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