yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
three words: i give head
three words: not that well
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
As for the 14 hours of vodka. I am all that is man.
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
I masterbated to the rocky theme song. I'm pretty sure that just beat any sex experience I've ever had.
I don't know bro. If a girl makes you cum hard enough that you pull a back muscle, she might be the perfect one to call for a massage on said muscle.
this place is dumb. no one understands my Sunday morning alcoholism here.
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
When are your genitals available?
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
Randomize
