Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
you just kept yelling "siddle that plaza" til the cab driver said it back...
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
We were too tired to finish having sex so we just stopped to eat the cheesecake and passed out. I didn't mind
are you the reason the first floor girls' bathroom smells like weed?
Ya that dick wasn't worth burning a perfectly good pizza.
You live and learn.
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