You don't have asthma, your pregnant
If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
I had fun last night. We should have sex less often.
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
would it be mean if I put better with the lights off on my sex playlist just for my hook up with him?
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
To be honest. I have two poptarts in my jacket pockets. No one knows. I am pro stealth.
got the runs at the club last night. wondering when it'll be safe to show my face again.
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
Randomize
