Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
spell your last name, im trying to find you on facebook
This girl has a mullet weave. I missed oakland.
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
i have never been so sexually frustrated as I am right now. I feel like dying...is death an option?
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
Randomize
