I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
im sorry but my first introduction to your dick isn't going to be a pic sent from the men's room
You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
Balls are wasted. Waste are ballsted. Ballsd wasted
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
Everyone's impressed that I actually got pee all over his car since I'm a girl and they're a little curious..
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
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