I had a disgustingly explicit dream last night involving myself and lil wayne.
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
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Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
So, I was thinking... Since this restraining order doesn't go into affect until monday, that leaves us 5 days to wreck his world.
Things I can say. There is a photo of me pouring whipped cream into a midgets mouth.
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
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Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
For reals. He's my age and he still hangs out at his frat house & gets hammered every weekend. Idk if I'm jealous of him or if I pity him
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
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