cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
it's all fun and games until somebody pulls the tampon string..
it's like iHOP with fire
do you ever think like no deep thought could take place in the spanish language? like all they talk about is like tacos?
how high are you?
You just kept taking about baking cornbread and doing your physics. Even drunk assed random you is a better student than me.
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
Randomize
