Thats not how I planned it, its just the way she passed out
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
you think she would figure it out that ever dude that fucks her is just doing it bc they are in a contest to bang the fattest girl
he sent me a picture of his dick with a heart border around it
When you guys came back from the bar, I thought everyone was a T-Rex - Thats why i was hiding under the table. Never doing shrooms with Drunk people again
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
Randomize
