Define "chronic" masturbator.
My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
she was using bread to soak up the vodka off the floor then proceeded to eat it.
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
I just had nipple jewelry returned to me in the law library.
Dollars spent: $83, Girls kissed: 4, Girls slept with:2, Girls currently making me breakfast: 1, Fucks given: 0
My aunt asked how many piercings I had and my mom said seven and I said nine and that's how my family found out I had my nipples pierced.
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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