Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
I dont care what I am for halloween, as long as i'm not a father after
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
He won't sleep with me again until I commit...
Run. There is other dick in the sea, less clingy dick.
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
Seriously your house is like the underground railroad for unwanted gay kids
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
Randomize
