Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
I am so gay it hurts my loins. Going to see She's Just Not That Into You... again. Ohhh my goodness.
there is a polo shirt epidemic at this bar. also, im pretty sure i just saw the grown-up coppertone baby
He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!
I was unaware that a tutu and pasties was appropriate attire to this
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
Just had to return the shit I stole from the dining hall, with everyone watching...apparently there ARE consequences for being drunk, coked up and belligerent.
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
Stoned in some guys basement listening to ELO. it's like its 1978.
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
The ass gains better be worth it
Randomize
