The pirates hijacked 3 more ships today!!
we need a boat to join in
Obama is on top of it we'd get killed within mins, but we'd live in legend foreva
I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
idk if you're aware of this...but we could potentially have the greatest hate sex...ever.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
Its not gay if you're best friends and there's less than an inch of dick in the picture. That's where the line is drawn
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
Just saw a couple chasing each other on lawn mowers. Oh South Knoxville.
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
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