Totally about to meet up with Ryan in an empty parking lot. Expect to fuck him. Yes I know it's 3am. Slutty? Possibly. Excited? Damn right.
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
Do you think a former stripper/heroin addict constitutes as a high risk sexual partner?
So it sounded like a midget was barfing IN our walls again this morning ...
It was that same situation where "cuddling on the floor" was actually just code for "rough shameful hate sex" hahaha.
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
"Do You Wanna Build a Snowman" came on while I was riding his dick. I had to take a moment.
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
Randomize
