Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
elementary school lunch room party. everyone brings their own lunch and can trade stuff. all juice is booze.
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
I thought it was kinda weird that her ten yearold sister was playing bartender, but hey, the girl makes a damn good drink
Worst hangover of my career vs the return of the blue balls. Will keep updated
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
The golf course isn't that incognito for sex.
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
What do you mean relationship? He paid for my tires and I gave him a blow job.
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
Randomize
