What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
Coffee is gods way of saying go ahead, get absolutly trashed on weeknights, I got your back
so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
Well, ive pounded a baby into a stripper and a girl who was on jerry springer, a 16 year old is logically next.
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
Look what our sorority has done to us...we're hitting on girls in hopes of getting an awesome little.
and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
I wore home his HoHoHo boxers. I've never felt such a connection to an article of clothing.
Im going to the gym...covered in the Brazilians cum
And how is that different than any other weeknight in your world
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
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