then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
I think your mom looks like a breed of donkey and elephant, but her boobs are perfect
i just witnessed two asians having sex for the first time ten feet away from me..hes having a seizure..what the duck is going on???
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
We peed on a building I think...like a building in downtown...not out of view of anyone.
can we fuck so we can live up to our nicknames for eachother?
Randomize
