i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
the power's out. i'm smoking weed by flashlight
i wish i was dedicated to anything like you are to weed
If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
He was bigger soft than my ex was hard. A gold medal rebound.
Fried chicken is a must. Do strippers eat fried chicken or should I plan on something else?
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
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