The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
I just smoked pot in front of my old Elementary School. It's like my Childhood and Adulthood are coming together in this awesome thing.
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
We waved. But it was a "let's hook up" wave.
It's like your nipple is comforting my nipple.
Quick question. How did my clothes end up in your room on your bed and I end up outside your room naked on your couch?
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
My mute roommate is using sign language to ask a guy to fuck her.
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
Randomize