Already got asked if we're dating
found a new level of pathetic. i watched a guy pick out cigarette butts from a jar that weren't completely finished. make sure you go somewhere in life.
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
Randomize
