he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
she might purposely get aids just to give it to you. I think she might hate you that much.
Ask politely.
Fine. Can i please come over, hang out with you, sit around a campfire, smoke tree, listen to sublime, and fuck the shit out of you?
Thats good enough.
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
Dude, you need to understand there is a fine line between "guilty pleasure" and in the closet gay
This reunion sucks. All the confident hot girls from high school are still confident and hot, and none of the fat girls with low self esteem transformed into hot girls with low self esteem.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
its 8 and I'm HUNGOVER!! how is that possible??
Randomize
