Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
You may be in san diego, but I just watched a guy in a wheelchair sing walking in memphis for karaoke. Check and mate.
I just made SCOTCHSICLES. no further info is necessary
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
The impact your presence has on my vagina without even putting your hands on me is quite astonishing, impressive and a little disturbing.
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
It was kind of like hidden Mickey ears, but with dicks.
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
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