The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
then they high fived as they party boyed me. I was a policewoman sandwhich. I love you halloween.
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
You couldve had sex with 2 drunk chicks on an alligator slide.
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
Not only was there cake on the wall but someone shoved cake and meat in a cup and put it in the fridge.
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
Randomize
