Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
We need to get her some penis inspired head protection.
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
I was trying to be quiet until started to feel like my cock was being dipped in a rainbow and then I stopped caring temporarily
Oh god I just realized bird face had che Guevara tattooed on her upper arm. Deals off, readivised opinion
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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