I always wonder when I meet a guy from online if he needs a moment to mentally register and accept the size of my ass. maybe ill wear a dress.
you spent the like half the night trying to figure out the puzzles on the back of the captn crunch box
it's not cheating when I paid for it
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
Was this before or after he told that homeless man outside the bar about his past sexual experiences?
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
how do you play pong handcuffed?
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
I didn't want to see any of his nipples and now I've seen all three. Thanks.
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
Randomize
