in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
At Wal-Mart last night I watched two guys scramble for $4.34 to pay for a pack of ping pong balls and red solo cups. They had to put the .34 on a credit card. Winter break begins!
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
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One night stand. Woke up at her dad's house. She already left for work. Shit's about to go down.
You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
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If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
The most adult decision I've mad today was Jameson or Fireball? It's been a successful Day
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
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