I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
You know were out to late when I call my hook up at 8:08pm and 8:08am in the same night.
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
I respect your roll as DD and there're am required to respect your vehicle
The worst part was when I went to go spit it out and rinse my mouth, his grandpa was in the bathroom, so I had to fucking wait. It was awful. I finally ran to the kitchen and prayed his parents didn't come out of their room.
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
Did you really think putting a napkin over your head would make you giving him a bj less obvious?
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