If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
Who topped off the "random beer mix" beer bong with a pinch of pepper?? All you could taste was busch and pepper...
She gave such good road head it was turned into side-of-the-road head for everyone's safety
and it seems i've caught your masturbating bug. thanks.
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
It wasn't exactly a dick pic. It was more like a body shot with a hint of wiener.
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
Randomize
