My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
just used a paint mixing cup as a shot glass. thank u art school.
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sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
Chinese roommate asked me this a.m when u left if all girls here have multiple boyfriends..
Never again will we have slut saturday. Never.
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Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
you licked my face then when I finally got you to the bathroom, mid puke you said you liked the taste of my foundation.....you weren't drunk at all....
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
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