I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
it always starts out as a suggestion then three hours later I have cum in my eye.
Just saw an ad for "Liver-aid" how has this not become a life changing drug for millions?
Moral of the story: don't get pregs or your chances in the beer league are over
the last thing i remember is ordering pitchers of white russians....
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
you are not perverted enough for this relationship to work out.
Not much, really baked..... beethoven is AMAZING it's like i'm flying in space with baby jesus
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
Randomize
