The football player sitting in front of me just googled himself. Only 4 articles came up. That's why he plays at Utah State.
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
I love flavors. My neighbour is owide smoking and so am I. I'm adio boooooored and I need an adult.
So were u tired or drunk when u wrote last night's text message?
pills.
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
And I also succeeded in getting kicked out of a bar when I was drinking straight from the vodka bottle at our table.
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
A friendship for the ages born on how horny we both are
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
Randomize
