he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
he told me he's been faithful to his girlfriend and is gonna try to stay that way. challenge accepted.
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
Life gets in the way of sexy Saturday sometimes
It's all fun and games until some random starts jerking it on the deck.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
Dignity. Ruined. Must. Smoke. Weed.
Randomize