thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
if we break up, blackout me is coming back, making out with everything in sight
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
We just broke into a lion king sing along. Understanding is not possible.
i can't believe i'm giving you sex advice.
i've gotten sex advice under stranger situations. like while giving a blowjob behind the communications building.
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
I was told that I need a reference for my blow job skills. Be expecting a phone call tomorrow.
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
DO NOT TOUCH THE SOAP ITS HAD SOME UNORTHODOX USES WITHIN THE PAST 15 HOURS
Randomize
