FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
Based on the pics I have taken of hookups while they were passed out or sleeping, I have scientifically concluded that no two vagina lips are the same. They are like snowflakes.
whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door
I'm pretty sure blacking out is a coping mechanism.
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
Maybe because you rubbed my clit while we were making churros
Already doing pt exercises by picking my margarita up off the night stand. Fuck yeah.
Randomize
